Shame is often disparaged as an outcast emotion—something to be gotten rid of at the slightest hint of its presence. Yet, we can’t seem to cast off our own shame in its entirety, and attempts to talk others out of it always fail. It keeps reappearing, especially when we try to disavow it.

This is a key reason why shame is conspicuously absent from most graduate psychology, counseling, and social work programs. No one wants to talk about it—professors, students, or practitioners.

Like most topics that are avoided, shame’s erasure from the helping fields is due to several factors. Shame is notoriously difficult to define, and while some aspects and functions are agreed upon, there is much disagreement or at least differing emphases. Its complexity, along with how uncomfortable it is to focus on, leads to avoidance.

A trauma-focused lens has gained momentum in research and practice over the past few decades. It’ hard to deny the existence of trauma—we cannot unsee or unknow events once they are witnessed. In contrast, shame goes underground and is slippery. It begins to go further underground the moment it is felt. Importantly, many of our present day or enduring shame experiences are linked to unresolved early shame experiences from childhood or early adolescence, the most intransigent of which were patterned experiences of being misunderstood, ignored, explicitly shamed, or even more subtly tasked with managing the emotions of our caregivers or those around us. 

The widespread, largely unconscious, collusion to avoid shame at all costs deprives us of an essential way of knowing ourselves and others. Ignoring, avoiding, and disavowing shame at the individual, group, and societal levels leaves us without a crucial tool for navigating our emotions, relationships, and mental health. Shame is often cited as the most unpleasant of experiences, and if we can’t identify and manage it, we will see its detrimental effects on our relationships and on ourselves.

More here on how to define and understand shame and here on how our early experiences with shame shape shame later in life.