Shame is notoriously difficult to define because it is an amalgamation of paradoxes: it is an evolutionary protector that feels like a threat; it is a signal of a broken connection that simultaneously forces us to withdraw; and it is an emotion that only heals through the very vulnerability it seeks to prevent.

Shame operates as a feeling, signaling unmet needs such as the need for belonging and acceptance. It simultaneously serves a nervous system function, deflating us, bringing down our energy which can then serve to protect us from challenging those who might harm or overpower us. It serves as a disruptor of connection and a facilitator of vulnerability and enhanced closeness. It can be an enemy we want to destroy; at the same time, it is an impeccable guide, showing us what matters most and what interferes with us living consistently with our values. 

As soon as one is aware that they are experiencing shame, the impulse is to move on as quickly as possible. We literally cannot experience shame and reflect on it at the same time, which is not true of other affect states such as happiness, sadness, anger or fear. This is because shame induces a freeze state: our thinking gets muddy, our reflective capacities are hijacked, and we quite literally are stopped in our tracks.  The second we have any ability to notice what we are feeling we are flooded with an awful sensation that we want to put an end to immediately. 

“Something unchangeable about you that makes you inadequate, defective or unlovable”  

Drawing from prominent theories, shame can be understood as a universally experienced phenomenon. It is a painful sense of not belonging, self-consciousness, and isolation that comes from feeling something about you is inadequate, defective, or unlovable. This “something” is often perceived as an enduring and unchangeable quality, making it feel innate, and making one believe they are different and therefore unacceptable.

Shame: Not all or nothing but shades of grey

The description above captures shame in its most painful state. Like other emotions, it can be experienced intensely or subtly and in combination with other feelings. However, shame operates differently than most other emotions. It arises exclusively in an interpersonal context. While you can feel amused by a movie scene or sad about an environmental disaster on your own, shame is the only emotion that arises exclusively in response to a “break in the interpersonal bridge,” as Gershan Kaufman says.

Shame is driven by the awareness, subtle or explicit, that we are at risk of being abandoned, rejected, or otherwise unfit for connection with people who matter to us. While shame experiences can include sadness, loss, and fear, the core aspect that makes it shame is the profound sense of being cut off from our relatedness.

Learn more about the range of phenomena that can bring on shame here.