What can lead to shame?

As adults, there are any number of experiences that can activate underlying shame. In some cases, it is an interaction that reminds us, implicitly, of one of our shame origin stories.  Implicitly refers to the fact that we are usually not consciously aware of the way the present moment experience of shame or embarrassment is linked to early experiences. 

These present day activators can be seemingly benign, from someone accidentally bumping into a person and not apologizing, to the more malignant, such as experiencing erectile dysfunction (note the shaming aspect even of this diagnostic label), to being fired from one’s job or getting divorced. 

We find ways to avoid thinking or talking about the shame incidents, and can develop shame about the shame: as in, what is wrong with me that I feel ashamed when someone bumps into me? Or, how is it that I am still insecure about that incident that happened decades ago? 

The thread that runs through all of these examples is that the shame aspect gets buried because it is that very aspect that tells us something is deeply wrong with us and we had better conceal it so as not to completely be excommunicated or abandoned.  Any list of what can lead to feelings of shame might be problematic because the list is endless: the determinants of shame are idiosyncratic and the strategies for managing shame are often so creative and layered. Also, imagine if your particular shame activator wasn’t on the list – well then something must truly be wrong with you! 

Shame activators can also be an interaction that is a reminder of our own feelings of inadequacy.  Finding out a friend is pregnant after you have been trying to get pregnant can trigger shame – first for the sense of personal failure and second for not being happier for them or having a sense of unfairness.  You may think, while dipping into shame, “What kind of person can’t be fully happy for their friends?”  

If this is resonating with you, you can learn more about my approach to working with shame with those seeking psychotherapy, supervision or consultation. Read more about my conceptualization of shame’s origins here and how I work with shame here.