Shame is often considered an interference or foil to connection and intimacy, as it leads us to retreat, turn inward, and avoid vulnerability. A deeper examination reveals that shame is an essential element of secure attachment. It facilitates healthy relationships because it signals when boundaries are being crossed, by us or the other or when we have misjudged or failed to take an appropriate level of responsibility in an encounter. In the absence of shame, we lose our most potent signaling system that something in the connection has gone awry and needs our attention and care.

In this article I wrote for the Pennsylvania Psychologist Spring 2025 Issue, I share an example of how shame will inevitably arise at some point in couples therapy. I explore how I as a therapist navigated it at the time, and how I would navigate it now, after several years of reading, study, and training in shame theory and working with shame clinically and personally.