Defensiveness itself is not a feeling, it is a state of mind and it manifests as a series of behaviors intended to distort and guard us against painful emotions. This might not seem to be such a bad solution to painful affect states, but not feeling our feelings is a significant problem. 

Case in point: imagine a scenario in which you were so defended against the sensation of hunger that you did not feel it even if it had been hours or a whole day since eating?  You would effectively be blocked from knowing that you need to eat, and therefore blocking you from accessing or pursuing food to meet that need. 

The same is true of emotions.  If I engage in defensiveness, through blaming my friend for ignoring my email for example, but don’t acknowledge, even to myself, that the underling feeling is that I am feeling lonely, I will block a pathway to my friend understanding my experience. Instead my friend will react to my defensive behavior likely by defending herself or explaining her own behavior. My approach would fail to communicate to her that I am feeling lonely, and therefore the antidote would be to get warmth, responsiveness and curiosity from her.  Of course, I may have reacted defensively in the first place because I am uncomfortable with loneliness and acknowledging that directly was scary or overwhelming.

If the first step to diffusing defensiveness is to know it when we see it, as detailed in the first post of this series, the next step is to work to understand what feeling we are blocking from our awareness. You may wonder why it might even matter all that much to be defended against unpleasant emotions.  It matters because if our defensiveness blocks our contact with our underlying deeper emotions, however unpleasant, we are also blocked from knowing what it is we need.  Our emotions are our primary source of information regarding our needs.  Without access and awareness of our emotions, we are essentially cut off from knowing our needs. 

Defensiveness can protect us from acknowledging a range of emotions. Here are some of those emotions:

• Anger
• Annoyance
• Frustration
• Hopelessness
• Sadness
• Loneliness
• Hurt
• Shame 
• Guilt
• Overwhelm
• Anxiety
• Worry
• Concern

Identifying one’s emotions is a highly complex skill that can be learned. But it takes time and a willingness to explore difficult experiences. It is, however, an essential skill involved in living an intentional and emotionally present and connected life. Positive emotions, such as pride, contentment, joy indicate that certain needs are being met. Negative emotions tell us what needs are being neglected or not met. This handy chart might helped with visualizing emotions that fit into these two categories of met versus unmet needs.  

Sometimes it is easy to identify the emotion underlying our defensiveness, other times, not so. As you get familiar with your habitual ways of getting defensive, the feelings underlying the defensiveness should get clearer. The tricky part of this is that when we are in defensiveness our ability to be self-reflective is not its sharpest. We may need to cool off or wait before we can connect the dots here. Brené Brown, an emotions researcher, has a lot to say about emotions and how they operate within us, especially her book Atlas of the Heart and her television series of the same name.

For some of us, identifying needs is easier than identifying emotions. In my work with people from all walks of life, I have encountered those who feel so intensely that it’s almost as if the emotion is shouting it’s presence at every turn. For others, the emotional experience is very subtle, so much so that if they look away for a moment, the feeling has dissipated.  Even the experience of being asked what they feel can be a challenge, because there’s a recognition that they must have feelings and reactions but they struggle to both notice them and name them. 

Identifying one’s needs is another crucial step in the process of connecting more authentically, and breaking through the defensiveness that keeps us estranged from those we love. The next post, Linking Feelings and Needs outlines that process.